I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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