god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
