By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
