I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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