Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
