I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
