Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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