I wish I could punch you in the face.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Randomize
