Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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