haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
