I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
