He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
