She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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