the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
