wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
