he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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