eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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