News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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