Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
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I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
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Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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