Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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