If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
