hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
