I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
