Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
