And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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