i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize