I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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