She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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