My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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