I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
