Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
