i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Michael Bay diarrhea
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
