i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
