I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
