you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
it was like eating out sand paper
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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