you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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