Sry I called you an 8
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
