Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
