All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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