I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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