I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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