How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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