I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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