you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The cops high fived after they tackled you
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
