I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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