Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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