Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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