Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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