im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
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