if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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