I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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