hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
