You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
