good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
