i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
