I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
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I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
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GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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