Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
