remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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