can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
