I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
