I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just blew my weed a kiss
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
