Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
